Humble Pie. I ate a lot of it. Well figuratively. I ate a lot of cookies, cheese, and appetizers literally too. Oh and drank a lot of champagne. But it was a bachelorette party and you can't really eat a salad a sit in the corner with water at a wine tasting. So I sucked it up, participated and tried not to whine about my body too much. I'm sure I complained about gaining back weight and complained how I was being bad and not following my rules, but I think I did pretty well. I didn't want to cry when I thought about how much I've messed up and how I didn't work out Saturday. So that's good right?
Friday I behaved pretty well. I stayed within my calorie limits and I managed to make it back to BFF for an hour of chickboxing. Sweating out my frustrations felt good and made me feel like I was getting back on track. But then Saturday brought one of my best friend's bachelorette parties and I just had to detour for that. I guess I don't feel so guilty about this weekend because it was one of my planned cheat weekends. So I think I handled these slip ups better emotionally than I did on vacation.
I've also been really realizing and digesting how emotional weight loss can be. I can't really describe what is so strange for me, but it has been messing with my head. I find myself feeling that I look the same, yet later see my shadow and feel shocked that it is so much smaller than it used to be. Or the fact that I almost burst into tears when I was trying on clothes in the dressing room and ended up buying jeans 2 sizes smaller than the last ones I had purchased. I should have been elated yet found myself emotional and confused. I guess it just takes some time to adjust and to accept things. I also think that after this emotional shock I self sabotaged. In a way I think I scared myself that I was a certain size and hadn't realized it yet. So I intentionally started eating bad things to gain weight back and hide. But why would I want to do that?!
I can't figure it out. But I think I'm dealing with some insecurity issues that are resurfacing in strange ways. I suppose any big change can be stressful and emotionally draining and when your body goes through a big change it is just as important as moving across the country or changing careers. I need to be more patient with my whole self and remember I'm just human and need time for everything to come together. I'm so lucky to have so many supportive and amazing people in my life though. I really can't thank everyone enough for encouraging me to make healthy choices and for also being a support system when I get a little down about mistakes. Your encouraging comments come just at the time I need a little boost. You guys have been keeping me from giving up and bailing ship and from crying about my failures with a tub of ice cream. It's time to brush off the past week or so and focus on the remaining week of the challenge. I might not win the bike after all but this has been a great learning experience and that will just have to be my reward.
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